A man was walking one day...

A man was walking past the mental hospital one day, and all the patients were shouting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."

The fence was too high to see over, but he saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on, only to get poked in the eye with a stick from the other side.

They then started shouting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A tragic tail

One day a father mouse was out foraging for food when he got snapped in a trap. After some time passed, the mother and son mouse were out for a walk when the mother mouse stopped and paused.

With a sullen look on her face she sighed, "This is where your father died - OOH, CHEESE!"

Two caterpillars...

Two caterpillars were watching a cocoon burst open to reveal a beautiful butterfly. As it stretched its wings and flew away, one caterpillar turned to the other and said, "You'll never get me up in one of those things."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" she moaned. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Run-down Motel

A guest checked in at a run-down motel. "The room is twenty dollars a night, said the manager, "but it's only ten if you make your own bed."

"Okay," said the guest. "I'll make my own bed."

"Great," said the manager. "I'll get you some nails and wood."

A man went to his doctor...

...he complained of feeling generally unwell. The doctor gave him a thorough exam and was amazed to find hundreds of dollar bills stuffed in the patient's ears.

When he had finished counting them, the doctor said: "There was exactly one thousand, nine hundred and fifty dollars in there."

"That figures," said the patient. "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Two 90-year-old women...

...Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

"Barb, if it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a voice calling out to her, "Baaaarb, Baaaaarb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb.

"It's me, Rose."

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven, dummy" replied Rose. "I have some good news and a little bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"Barb, there IS softball in Heaven, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, we're all young again, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic, so what's the bad news," asked Barb.

"You're pitching on Tuesday."